Sacrifice
(A glimpse inside the selection process for this year’s Sacrifice Tournament.)
Next.
New Zealand my lord.
Well now my little friend, what have you got for me. Something good after last years flop. What was it. Ah yes, a mother run down on a pedestrian crossing outside a hospital after visiting her sick child. Wasn’t even a dying child. So out with it.
Yes. She was pregnant.
Who?
The mother.
So fuck’n what shrimp brain. Last year was a flop and you know it.
Yes. Sire.
So, what have you got this year my wee toady.
Umm...we that is us have awakened an AWTH, an accident waiting to happen. A tree overhanging a busy highway. A very big tree that, in collaboration with Tāwhirimātea , we that is to say us, toppled
Tawhirima who the heck?
Matea. Tawhirimatea. Maori god of weather. Can bust out a hurricane if needed. We enticed him into collaborating with us for this years sacrifice. Timed his gust magnificently just as a bus loaded with school children, who all died, came passed. The bus caught fire. There was screaming.
Is that all?
Yes Sir. Yes siree. Sire.
More innocents. You have the imagination of my goldfish. Though awaking a AWTH. That hasn’t been done before. Bribing a demigod. That was checky of you. What did you give this Taferry chap?
He likes a single malt. And umm...
And ummm what you splean wort eating maggot.
Penelope.
You gave him my niece.
Just once.
Just once. Once. Ya know what. I’m going to make a declaration right now. Your sacrifice, New-Zea-fuck-n- land, of, how many were there?
33.
Your sacrifice of 33 children
Burnt children.
33 burnt...what the hell is this, who the fuck cares wether they were burnt or no. Jesus fuck’n Christ, who the hell cares. Your sacrifice is rejected.
(Well you might care. 33 burnt children is seen by many as being the ultimate sacrifice. However, New Zealand was, at that moment, in no position to press the point, so she retired with a bow to seek out another sacrifice. With only one more day left to enter this year’s Sacrifice Tournament, she felt the hand of pan stroke her thigh.)
Next.
The United States of America, my lord.
Oh Donald. Loverly to see you still doing this. What have you got for me this year my plucky ducky.
Well my lord, and I thingk you’ll like this o..
Do not presume to know what I like Donald Duck you little fuck.
Yes, no, my lord...ughhhmmm.
Well out with it man, before you die.
Old intel map had an army barracks where a school for girls is. Was.
Was?
Rocket strike. Drone went right in and killed the lot. 170 girls.
One hundred and seventy girls.
School girls. My lord.
Virgins.
Yes, my lord. Well a few weren’t.
Weren’t?
Virgins, my lord.
Sorry, Donald. Don’t count.
Don’t count what, my lord?
They, them 170, and some not, virgins. They don’t count. I Can’t, am no longer able to accept sacrifices accrued within an active war zone. Trying to cut down on that sort of thing.
Since when?
You say something Donny?
No my, I mean yes my lord. Ok then. What I said. Ok then I’ll go arrange some hideous crime other than war. My lord.
Watch it Ducky. Next.
Japan, my lord.
No. No. Not Japan. I had a dream, just remembering it now. They’ve given enough. Those bombings, and my dream coming true. Necessary but so un. Un-fort-unate. For them; Nipponese. Next.
Iran, my lord.
Ko bro, looking like you always do. You see Don on your way in bin here he was now on his way out? Shout out what ya got to lay at my feat, why beat about the burning of the bush, George was his name, double you trouble you, shame he’s not around to be with us today, what ya say? He to blame?
May one thousand camels be not enough to drink the water of your wit. You shit pearls so wise they go in disguise as words heard yet unbelievable as myth. We have a pilot.
A pilot. A as in one. One pilot you have.
Correct oh light of my darkness.
You know that wars out don’t you?
War. Out?
Yes. I was just saying to Donny that I can no longer accept sacrifice from an active war zone. Or from the zones close to active war zones. Or come to think of it from any resulting dead due to the existence of what we are now calling the state formally known as war. So. What’ve you got Komi me old chum.?
Well we have, oh splendor, a pilot. Had a pilot.
And, depending on how this goes down with your magnificence, 47,590 dead due to our closing of the straight of Hormuz.
I’m listening.
Thanks be to thee oh radiant one. 47,590 is the number of dead confirmed by those on high as being attributable to the impact of higher oil prices on the world’s population. A full breakdown of these deaths is available for your scrutiny, oh father beyond compare.
Forgive me I didn’t mean to snort. You are very imaginative this year my dear Iran. I’d say you could be in for a medal if it weren’t for the recent elimination of the casualties of war from the list. Quite a wide net I set. I will ponder on these deaths awhile and get back to you. Toodleoo. Next.
Isreal, my lord.
Your god is a false god and you are without state in this house. Next.
New, Aotearoa/New Zealand, my lord.
Again? That was quick.
Tragedy struck early this morning, this time in the tourist town of lake Tekapo/Takapo where one person has been confirmed burnt alive. Members of the lake Tekapo volunteer fire brigade believed a child was with her mother who believed it was with her father, who was helping ...oh gad am I doing ok here?
Yes. Yes you are, I’m intrigued. Go on.
Was with her father who was helping fight the fire. Fire chief Bernard Small dove...was reported as having dived through a flaming window. Moments later a small bundle flew back and was caught by Charltte Van der Belt in a brilliant dive. Fire chief Bernard Small, just re-married, did not return. The cause of the fire was determined to be a collapsed chimney pipe. The owners of the batch rented in an illegally unsafe condition to a migrant couple with a newborn are being lined up against the wall and shot
So. Your new sacrifice is this fire chief?
Re-married fire chief. Recently. And the owners of the batch rented to the couple and their baby, who survived by the way.
I want that baby.
( Here New Aotearoa/New Zealand realised if she was to have a shot at this years gold she would need to...)
Ok then. Lets see what we can do here...make the baby also dead...ok then ....wooo that was quick. Smart work someone.
What? What?
The baby...lets see...the baby now suffered a brain hemorrhage when caught by the fireman, woman, fire woman at the scene.
Is it dead?
Not...quite. Yes...Yes. Now dead.
Oh very good Aotaeroaland. You’re in. Next.
Sweden, my lord.
My lord.
My lady. Your beauty confounds me. What have you?
Me, my lord.
I arrise to embrace you. Come closer, what, wait, nooo, arrrggghh! farrrk, ddddddid did you see, what oh she...Jesus she. Oh god, she...
Fell on her sword, my lord.
Next.